nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
