I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
