Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
