so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
