Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
