my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
