I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
