Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
