oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize