I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
