I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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