I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize