Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
