I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
