just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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