So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
