Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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