If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Someone came in the potted fern
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
