I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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