I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
