peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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