two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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