Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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