dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
