I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
