dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
