i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
