I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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