I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
