I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
