she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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