some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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