Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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