Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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