Don't make out with my wife yet
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
