Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
