help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
