Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
