dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
