if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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