remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
