Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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