debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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