No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
