Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
