Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
false alarm, still single
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
