How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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