He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
