Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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