She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
