i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
