I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize