Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
