We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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