Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
