how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
