i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
