omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
