i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
