sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
