The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
