Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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