Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
