The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize