i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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