Someone shit on the floor
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
