I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
