So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You had me at "let me see your balls"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
