The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
